Under Utilized Resources

Every few months, another ego-maniac tries to conquer the world and/or galaxy – Emperor Palpetine, Loki Laufeyson, Sauron, Bane, Cybermen, Daleks, etc., etc., etc… What do they all have in common? An army, or at least the ambition of attaining one. Nearly all scifi/fantasy stories either assume the villain already has an army, or revolves around preventing him/her from getting one. True, there are always lone entrepreneurs of crime (Lex Luthor, Siler, or Doctor Horrible, for example) but this rarely ends well, because if the hero(es) is/are willing to go toe to toe with an entire army in addition to the head villain, you can bet they’ll be willing to go up against just little old you.

So, if you want to be successful, you need an army. But the sorts of things you can grow on trees make for pretty shoddy warfare (“Fear the pears!” – “Nom, nom, nom…”). And, let’s face it, most of us don’t have the kind of income necessary to pay real mercenaries. What about robots, then? Maybe, but if you can make awesome tech, it’s likely there’s a hero out there who can make a really awesome virus/gun/bomb/EMP. Aliens? Loki tried that. You can ask how it went when he gets out of physical therapy. Flying monkeys? Went out of style about the same time witches stopped being green. And I’m pretty sure PETA would disapprove.

I would like to present the would-be world conqueror’s most underrated resource: dust bunnies. They are legion, and they are everywhere. Their only natural predator is the vacuum sweeper, and you can take those out with a few hairy pieces of canon fodder. And you don’t need to worry about losing a few of your troops, because they really do breed like rabbits.

To prove my point, I’ve started training my own dusty army in basic maneuvers. Their stealth and camouflage techniques are superb. Still working on an effect attack order. I will keep you appraised of the army’s progress. Or maybe the next thing you’ll hear about them is the whisper of dust as they invade your house and home.